TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have One more area in which American Adult males can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: present Everybody a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he must quit working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from space, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not simply ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "in which's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from Global traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel the place my PTSD might have change-down support."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican Trump Tower Damascus has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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